Sunday, July 1, 2007


Previously on JOBBERS...

Luke Ravenstahl, a taxi driver in Pittsburgh, bumps into Adam and Derek when they return to 2007.
The boys learned that a lot of things are different.
Ravenstahl had information that he felt Adam and Derek had to know about.
"The Secret Lies With Stan" is the message Ravenstahl relays to the boys.

Luke: They would've won at least six more Cups in that run if Mario would've stayed...

Us: Mario left? What?! What happened?!


Luke: In 1998, Mario Lemieux went out drinking one night on the South Side.
He stopped into St. James on 18th street to get a few Blue Moons.
Someone took pictures of him and submitted them to Mondesi's House.

Adam: The site that delivers sports and entertainment with a sarcastic, Pittsburgh twist?

Luke: Yeah.
Mondesi's House posted pictures of him drunk.
Lemieux demanded a trade the next day.

Us: But that's a website that targets the 18- to 34-year-old male demographic.
It wouldn't try to gain publicity by spreading personal pictures around.

Luke: Welcome to the 21st century.

Us: Where'd Lemieux go?

Luke: Montreal. The start of it all. His hometown.

Us: Did they win any Cups with him at the helm?

Luke: Yeah, one.

Us: Why not more?

Luke: Two words -- Gary Roberts.
Roberts would've taken over the world if it wasn't for him.

Us: Who?

Luke: I told you. I can't say his name.
He played quarterback for the Steelers.
He went to college at Maryland.
Judging by how much you guys have jobbed history, you might not even know who I'm talking about.

Adam: Neil O'Donnell?

Adam's testicles fall to the ground.

Adam: Holy hell.

Luke: I told you.
Guys, we only have a few moments before the Police get here to retrieve those balls and ---

Adam: My balls are on the ground.

Luke: I know. I've seen it happen before.
Listen! I think you guys need to go back in time to stop something from happening.

Adam: Stop what from happening?

Derek: Yeah, I don't want Mario playing for anyone but the Pens.

Luke: No, not that!
How was the 2007 that you left?

Derek: Oh, it was glorious.
The Steelers had just won their fifth Super Bowl.
Roethlisberger took the NFL by storm. He went 15-1 his rookie year.
The Pens were on the cusp of achieving dynasty status.
The Pirates were mud, but it was still enjoyable to go and experience a baseball game.

Luke: Fifth Super Bowl?
The Steelers won their eighth Super Bowl in 1998.

Adam: Eighth? Holy hell. How did that happen?

Luke: I don't know where to begin...
Wait a minute. Something doesn't make sense.

Adam: What?

Luke: Roethlisberger.
You're right. He went 15-1 in his rookie year.

Derek: Then he threw that pick to Harrison in the AFC Championship Game.

Luke: This is unbelievable.
That is exactly what happened in our 2004.

Adam: How can that be?

Luke: This is crazy.
Your 2007 sounds pretty good, especially because I'm the mayor.
But something went awry, and I bet it can all be traced back to him.

Derek: Neil O'Donnell?

Derek's testicles hit with ground.

Derek: Crap.
[ Footsteps in hallway ]

Luke: Guys, get out of here!
Take my laptop. I bookmarked some important stuff for you.

Adam: Damn, Luke, you should definitely get a Mac. Do you guys have iPhone yet?

Luke: A what?

Adam: You know, Macs and the iPhone.

Luke: Sorry, man. No clue what you are talking about.

Adam: [Vomits]

Derek: Let's go man!

Adam and Derek jump out of the window and land on the roof of Eat'n'Park.

They slip into the restaurant and collect themselves in a back booth.

Adam: Wow.

Derek: Do you believe what the Mayor told us?

Adam: Yeah, man. He has no incentive to lie.
He just risked his life apparently to tell us that crap.

Derek: "A Secret Lies With Stan."

Adam: No clue what that means.

Derek: Well, obviously, it has something to do with "Stan."
It's gotta be the Stanley Cup.
He said the Pens won like 80 in a row.

Wait. Why do you think we'd have to go back and stop N.O.?

Adam: I think we can say his name now. We don't have any more balls.

Derek: Stopping O'Donnell doesn't make any sense.
But that would be simple.
We just go back to before he was born and punch his mom in the face.

Adam: That is dumb. Too many things could change.

Derek: Well let's see what the hell's going on.

Waitress: Would you fellas like some food?

Us: Salad bar.

Waitress: Help yourselves.

Adam: Was that Sonny Abatta?

Derek:: Yeah. Looks like people in this 2007 are better judges of talent.

Derek and Adam dominate the salad bar and get back to business.

Derek: [ Opens laptop ]
Okay. What do we do?

Adam: Google search that message he gave us.

Derek: Google exists. Nice.
No results.
I'm gonna check those bookmarks he mentioned.

Adam: Wait. Go to

Derek and Adam watch in awe as the URL leads them to a gay activist site.

Derek: Well, at least that's still the same.

Adam: What are the bookmarks?

Derek: Here.

Adam: That is mud. He only gave us Neil O'Donnell's Wikipedia page and Mondesi's House.

Derek: Mondesi's House delivers sports and entertainment with a sarcastic, Pittsburgh twist.

Derek and Adam leave Eat'n'Park and take a cab back to the Boulevard.
They walk up to where they left the DeLorean.
A tall, dark figure awaits them.

Man: Boys, I am here to assist you on your journey.
I have a message for you.
"A Secret Lies With Stan."

Adam: Oh, God. Here we go again with that crap.
Just tell us what that means.

Man: Listen, we don't have much time. I know what you did.
Now you must go back in time so you will be safe from him.

Us: Neil O'Donnell?

Man: [ Stands in silence ]
Where are your balls?

Us: Ask your mom.

[ High five takes place ]

Man: Nice.

Us: Who are you?

Man: It is me -- Franco Harris.
N.O. wants the DeLorean so he can go back in time and DDT Terry Bradshaw.

Us: What? Why?

Franco: He wants to solidify himself as the best quarterback in Steeler history.

Us: The best? Don't you remember Super Bowl XXX?

Franco: You boys really are from another time.
I don't want my legacy jobbed in any way.
You must stop Neil. Find where everything changed.
Stop him from attaining greatness.

Derek: [ Walks over to the edge of the parking garage and looks down upon Pittsburgh. ]
What if we screw up even worse?
What if this laptop in my hands doesn't provide us enough clues?

Franco: You were given the message.
That's all you need to know.

Suddenly, tires squeal in the parking garage.
Rhythmic marching and chants of "Neil" grow louder and faster.

Franco: [ Wipes the feces off his face ]
Hang on to that!

Derek: Don't worry. I'm not Jerome Bettis.

Adam and Derek strap in.

Derek: Wait. Where the hell are we going?

Adam: We got to see when the Pens win that first Cup.
The Secret Lies With Stan.

Derek: Kick the tires and light the fires.

They direct themselves toward Oakland on the Boulevard.
They set the DeLorean to June 1985 as they slam on the gas.

66 MPH.

Chapter Four:

July 12.

Sunday, June 24, 2007


Adam and Derek go back in time to the 1984 NHL Draft, innocently wanting to draft Gary Roberts and Patrick Roy with the otherwise wasted picks.
They return to present-day Pittsburgh and find that nothing is like how they left it.

Dude: Mellon what?

Us: Oh, no! The Pens left.

Dude: Are you high? You must be from out of town.
The Pens play on the North Shore.

We take a surprisingly free cab to the North Shore and cannot believe our eyes...


...As we make our way to the North Shore, Pittsburgh looks different.
The buildings are clean, no homeless people walking around.
The only thing playing in the background is what sounds like the hosts of the B-94 morning show -- John, Dave, Bubba, and Shelly.
We ask the driver to switch to some DVE.

Driver: DVE? What is that?
B-94 is the only radio station in the United States.

But before we can digest that statement, we cross over the Barry Bonds Bridge.

We throw up in the cab:

Mellon Arena is there, sitting majestically in the place where Heinz field once stood.
But it isn't Mellon Arena. It is called The Arby's Dome.
We look over at PNC Park and see that it isn't PNC Park , but rather Two Rivers Stadium.
We look past the Arby's Dome and see a huge wall erected cutting off the view to the West End Bridge and the Ohio River.
What happened? What is going on?

Us: Driver, where is Heinz Field?

Driver: Heinz what?

Us: Heinz Field. Where do the Steelers play?

Driver: [ Looks in rearview mirror ] Where you guys from?

Us: Pittsburgh.

Driver: You've lived here your life?

Us: Yeah...

Driver: Is this some joke? What are your names?

Us: Derek and Adam. Just a couple of jobbers.

The cab comes screeching to a halt on Doug Drabek Boulevard. The driver turns to face us in the cab. We are astonished when we recognize the face.

Driver: You're a couple of what?

Us: Mayor Ravenstahl?

Luke: Mayor??? What are you guys talking about?

Us: You're the Mayor of Pittsburgh!!

Luke: Oh, my God.

Us: What?

Luke: [ Hurriedly puts the car in Drive ] We gotta get out of here. He may be watching.

Us: Who?

Luke: I can't say. If you say his name, your balls fall off.

Luke does a 180 and rockets toward the Liberty Bridge.

Luke speeds over the Liberty Bridge, through the tubes, and into Dormont, where he takes us to his apartment behind Eat'n'Park.

Adam: Marty! My pet chicken!

Luke: Marty? This is Miguel. Don't touch him.

Grab a beer, guys.
I can't believe this is happening.
I want you to listen closely...

On April 19th, 2000, I had a dream -- that I was sitting in the Montreal Forum, Section 6, Row 6, with Bob Smizik.

Us: The terd from the Post-Gazette?

Luke: No. He's a Pulitzer Prize-winning author.
Reading a sentence that he writes makes you black out.

Us: Whatever.

Luke: Anyway, I told my life partner, Mitch, about the dream --

Derek: I knew it.

Luke: To our surprise, he had also had the same dream.

My dream showed me being in the Montreal Forum on February 28, 2001, when the Pens played the Canadiens.
I bought two tickets for that game after talking with Mitch and went out to find Bob Smizik.
I had no idea where to find him.

Adam: Did you try every place where adolescent boys hang out?

Luke: Yeah, no dice.

I finally caught up with him at a seminar he was speaking at.
I made out with his bodyguard and got into his dressing room.
I recanted my dream to him and pleaded with him to go to the game with me.
He grudgingly agreed.

February 28, 2001 --We go to the game, sitting in Section 6, Row 6.
Halfway through the first period, a message appears on the scoreboard.


Moments later, a voice echoed throughout the Forum.

"If You Post, They Will Come."

I turned to Bob Smizik, and just as I was about to ask him if he had experienced the same things, a puck came and hit him in the head. He died later at the hospital.

Us:: Nice.

Luke: "Jobbers" -- Today was the first time I've ever heard that word spoken.

Us: If You Post, They Will Come?

Luke: After the game, I immediately registered a name on and made a post about some minor-league players no one cares about.

Us: Hey, was there a guy named Kenny Melvin on that board?

Luke: Sgt. Melvin? How do you know the Chief of Police?

Within 5 minutes of creating a screen name on the message boards, I got a PM from some guy called "TheMayor."

The message:
"A Secret Lies With Stan."

After that, my account was suspended indefinitely.

Gentlemen, I have been waiting for this day for the past 6 years.
I thought this was all in my head.

I feel it is my purpose in life to have told you all of this.

Us: Wait a minute. Stop everything.
You're supposed to be the Mayor of Pittsburgh -- What happened?

Luke: What?

Us: We are originally from June 23, 2007.
We traveled back in time and changed the 1984 draft.

Luke: That was when we drafted Lemieux, Roberts, and Roy in the first round.

Us: YES! Exactly!

Luke: Did you "change" anything else?

Us: No. Nothing. Unless the dude that made our burgers at Rax that day was consequently obliged to stay an extra 45 seconds past his shift to make the sandwiches. That 45-second delay could have had astronomical effects on Montreal.
He leaves the parking lot 45 seconds later than he would have.
The dude riding his bike, who 45 seconds earlier, would have rode past the entrance to Rax unharmed, is douched by the worker leaving Rax.
The ambulance driver responds to the 911 call, running red lights.
All those people who would have otherwise proceeded through their green lights wait so the ambulance driver can fly past.
One of those people is a truck driver trying to make a delivery somewhere. He was late making his delivery. He loses his job, and his wife divorces him.
We could have basically changed the entire outcome of the world just by ordering a sandwich from Rax in 1984.

Luke: What are you talking about.

Us: Luke, where are the Steelers?

Luke: They were relocated in 2004. Balsillie packed them up.

Us: Wait -- Balsillie? Jim Balsillie?

Luke: Wow, you fellas really are out of the loop.

Us: Like how? How are the Pirates?

Luke: I don't know what it was like in your times, but the Pirates have been toiling in mediocrity for the past 14 years.

Us: Well, that hasn't changed.

Luke: So I guess you know about them winning the World Series in 90, 91, 92.

Us: What? They lost to the Reds and the Braves in the LCS those years..

Luke: No way.
Doug Drabek won the John Smiley Award those three years. He was incredible. He had an ERA of -0.45.
The Penguins released Tom Glavine, and he decided to play for the Pirates.
Drabek and Glavine won a combined 75 games in 1992.

Us: John Smiley Award?

Luke: Oh, it used to be called the Cy Young Award until John Smiley's first year here in 1986.
He pitched 22 perfect games that season.

Us: Unreal.

Luke: The Pirates won those three World Series behind Andy Van Slyke's dominance.

Us: He wasn't really that great.

Luke: You're right. He wasn't.

Until 1989, when Gary Roberts came out in the Pittsburgh papers and said Van Slyke looks like Huey Lewis.

This bolstered Van Slyke's confidence, and he became a driving force in baseball.

Us: How about Bonds?

Luke: Barry Bonds was a God in this city, and still is.

Us: Even with the steroids?

Luke: Are you kidding me? Steroids?
Barry Bonds didn't need steroids. He had Roberts.
But Bonds was killed in a bar fight at Froggy's in Station Square in 1993.
The city was never the same.

Us: What else has happened?

Luke goes on to tell us many things, such as the fall of the Berlin Wall, Will Smith, Hugh Grant, Die Hard 3, 9/11, the Challenger explosion, and Linkin Park.

Us: Luke, we got to be honest. Everything else sounds exactly like our history.
How have the Pens been doing?

Luke: The Penguins have been money in the bank.
The U.S. Currency is now called Pens. They've been that steady.
You talk Pittsburgh. You talk Penguins.
They won 11 consecutive Stanley cups.
They would've won at least six more in that run if Mario would've stayed...

Us: Mario left? What?! What happened?!


Chapter Three:

Thursday, July 5, 2007.

Sunday, June 17, 1984


A summer-long epic tale.


The 1984 NHL entry draft. It changed peoples lives.
Unless you're retarded, you know Mario Lemieux was taken number-one overall.
That may be the most important draft pick sports has ever seen.

What if Lemieux wasn't taken by the Penguins?
You could make the argument that this very post would not even exist.
But we aren't here to examine that.

What is so shocking about this draft was that the Penguins had two more picks:
two more top-21 picks.

Why is this important? Because the 1984 draft was stacked.
After Lemieux, the Penguins also had the number-nine draft pick.
They selected Doug Bodger.

After that, they had the number-16 pick.
With that pick, they selected Roger Belanger.
Was anyone else aware of these other two first-round picks?
Or have we been so blinded by the Pens taking Mario that we forgot they blew it?
The 1984 draft was quite possibly one of the greatest draft classes since Egyptian times.

So what happens if the Penguins nab one of the many future hall-of-famers in this draft?
How does history change?
Well, never fear. We have enlisted the help of several friends to help us.

We borrow the ol' DeLorean.
We make some adjustments.
Get it to 66 MPH and get ready.

Do it.

Next up:
We enlist the help of Dr. Sam Beckett and AL from Quantum Leap.
We will leap into the body of Penguins GM Eddie Johnston.

What a great show


June 9, 1984, at the Le Forum in Montreal, Quebec, Canada.

We arrive in downtown Montreal at 12:26 pm.

For some reason, the Forum smells like your grandfather's ballsac.
We let EJ draft Le Magnifique.

As soon as he exits the stage, the quatnam leap into EJ goes off without a hitch.
We take over.

The Devils are on the clock.
They job forever and take Kirk Muller.
The Blackhawks, up next, waste no time taking Ed Olczyk.
Time to hit the nacho stand after that one.

2:30pm: We walk back into our little table.
The scouts say Doug Bodger is the pick. No dice.
We see there is a prospect by the name of Gary Roberts.
We know the Flames want him. We fire all the scouts. Roberts is money in the bank.
We walk to the podium.

With the ninth pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Left Wing Gary Roberts from the Ottawa 67's (OHL)

We introduce Roberts to Lemieux backstage.
Their handshake registers a 2.4 earthquake in San Francisco.
But we don't stick around for conversation.
We have a tough choice to make.
A bunch of nobodies go off the board.

3. David Quinn (D) Flag of United States United States Minnesota North Stars Kent High School (Rhode Island)
14. Terry Carkner (D) Flag of Canada Canada New York Rangers Peterborough Petes (OHL)
15. Trevor Stienburg (RW) Flag of Canada Canada Quebec Nordiques Guelph Platers (OHL)

With the number-16 pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Goaltender, Patrick Roy from Granby Bisons (QMJHL)

People look around in stunned disbelief.

Bob Smizik starts to pen a column saying that besides drafting Lemiuex, this was a horrible draft.

Now we have tons of time to job around, so we go catch a little bit of an Expos game.

And they played June 9, 1984 at home,
So this is a valid part of the story.

After watching Andre Dawson go big fly, we go back to the draft.
We don't miss much.

Scott Mellanby...Stephane Richer...
and the immortal Tony Hrkac are off the board.

We think about trading up to draft Ray Sheppard.
But we stand pat.

With the 64th pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Center Tom Glavine from Billerica High School (Massachusetts).

Yes, that Tom Glavine.

Look it up. He was in the draft.

More time to kill.
We do a radio interview with KDKA.
We gurantee a Stanley Cup.

Next up, pick number 85:
We just job, so no one will ever question how we knew so many players would be good.

We draft:
Right wing: David Volek from HC Slavia Praha (Czechoslovakia)

We then have Volek murdered.

While authorities are addressing the Volek murder,
Brett Hull...Kirk McLean...Kjell Samuelsson go off the board.

Yeah, we could have drafted Hull.
But he is a douche.

With our seventh round pick, we steal:
Left Wing Luc Robitaille from Hull Olympiques (QMJHL)

We draft a few more stiffs.
After that, it is time to go.

We leap out of EJ and head back to 2007.


We stop at a Rax for dinner.
We fire the DeLorean up, get it to 66 MPH, and head back to Pittsburgh.

3:30PM -- June 23, 2007

As we arrive back on I-279, something is strange.
It should be packed with cars.
But there is nothing.
No PennDOT construction.

While driving on the Parkway from our landing spot in Scott Township, we notice that gas is 47 cents a gallon.
We also notice that the Parkway has been given the honorary title of "Gary Roberts Expressway."
Three billboards on the Parkway say "Neil Is Watching You. NO."

We make our way through the Fort Pitt Tunnel.
Nothing like coming through the tunnel and seeing good old Pittsburgh.
But something feels different.

We park the DL in one of the parking garages on the Boulevard of the Allies.
Must be our lucky day because it says "Free Parking."

As we make our way to go deposit some cash money on Pens season tickets, we notice no one is outside smoking cigs, and the people we do see actually smile and look happy.

We walk up to Grant Street and turn the corner.

Where is Mellon arena? WTF.

We ask some dude.

Dude: "Mellon what?"

Us: "Oh, no! The Pens left."

Dude: "Are you high? You must be from out of town.
The Pens play on the North Shore."

We take a surprisingly free cab to the North Shore and cannot believe our eyes...

Chapter Two:
Early Friday, June 29, 2007.