JOBBERS
A summer-long epic tale.
............................
The 1984 NHL entry draft. It changed peoples lives.
Unless you're retarded, you know Mario Lemieux was taken number-one overall.
That may be the most important draft pick sports has ever seen.
What if Lemieux wasn't taken by the Penguins?
You could make the argument that this very post would not even exist.
But we aren't here to examine that.
What is so shocking about this draft was that the Penguins had two more picks:
two more top-21 picks.
Why is this important? Because the 1984 draft was stacked.
After Lemieux, the Penguins also had the number-nine draft pick.
They selected Doug Bodger.
After that, they had the number-16 pick.
With that pick, they selected Roger Belanger.
Was anyone else aware of these other two first-round picks?
Or have we been so blinded by the Pens taking Mario that we forgot they blew it?
The 1984 draft was quite possibly one of the greatest draft classes since Egyptian times.
So what happens if the Penguins nab one of the many future hall-of-famers in this draft?
How does history change?
Well, never fear. We have enlisted the help of several friends to help us.
First.
We borrow the ol' DeLorean.
We make some adjustments.
Get it to 66 MPH and get ready.
Do it.
Next up:
We enlist the help of Dr. Sam Beckett and AL from Quantum Leap.
We will leap into the body of Penguins GM Eddie Johnston.
What a great show
..........................
June 9, 1984, at the Le Forum in Montreal, Quebec, Canada.
We arrive in downtown Montreal at 12:26 pm.
For some reason, the Forum smells like your grandfather's ballsac.
We let EJ draft Le Magnifique.
As soon as he exits the stage, the quatnam leap into EJ goes off without a hitch.
We take over.
The Devils are on the clock.
They job forever and take Kirk Muller.
The Blackhawks, up next, waste no time taking Ed Olczyk.
Time to hit the nacho stand after that one.
2:30pm: We walk back into our little table.
The scouts say Doug Bodger is the pick. No dice.
We see there is a prospect by the name of Gary Roberts.
We know the Flames want him. We fire all the scouts. Roberts is money in the bank.
We walk to the podium.
With the ninth pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Left Wing Gary Roberts from the Ottawa 67's (OHL)
We introduce Roberts to Lemieux backstage.
Their handshake registers a 2.4 earthquake in San Francisco.
But we don't stick around for conversation.
We have a tough choice to make.
A bunch of nobodies go off the board.
A summer-long epic tale.
............................
The 1984 NHL entry draft. It changed peoples lives.
Unless you're retarded, you know Mario Lemieux was taken number-one overall.
That may be the most important draft pick sports has ever seen.
What if Lemieux wasn't taken by the Penguins?
You could make the argument that this very post would not even exist.
But we aren't here to examine that.
What is so shocking about this draft was that the Penguins had two more picks:
two more top-21 picks.
Why is this important? Because the 1984 draft was stacked.
After Lemieux, the Penguins also had the number-nine draft pick.
They selected Doug Bodger.
After that, they had the number-16 pick.
With that pick, they selected Roger Belanger.
Was anyone else aware of these other two first-round picks?
Or have we been so blinded by the Pens taking Mario that we forgot they blew it?
The 1984 draft was quite possibly one of the greatest draft classes since Egyptian times.
So what happens if the Penguins nab one of the many future hall-of-famers in this draft?
How does history change?
Well, never fear. We have enlisted the help of several friends to help us.
First.
We borrow the ol' DeLorean.
We make some adjustments.
Get it to 66 MPH and get ready.
Do it.
Next up:
We enlist the help of Dr. Sam Beckett and AL from Quantum Leap.
We will leap into the body of Penguins GM Eddie Johnston.
What a great show
..........................
June 9, 1984, at the Le Forum in Montreal, Quebec, Canada.
We arrive in downtown Montreal at 12:26 pm.
For some reason, the Forum smells like your grandfather's ballsac.
We let EJ draft Le Magnifique.
As soon as he exits the stage, the quatnam leap into EJ goes off without a hitch.
We take over.
The Devils are on the clock.
They job forever and take Kirk Muller.
The Blackhawks, up next, waste no time taking Ed Olczyk.
Time to hit the nacho stand after that one.
2:30pm: We walk back into our little table.
The scouts say Doug Bodger is the pick. No dice.
We see there is a prospect by the name of Gary Roberts.
We know the Flames want him. We fire all the scouts. Roberts is money in the bank.
We walk to the podium.
With the ninth pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Left Wing Gary Roberts from the Ottawa 67's (OHL)
We introduce Roberts to Lemieux backstage.
Their handshake registers a 2.4 earthquake in San Francisco.
But we don't stick around for conversation.
We have a tough choice to make.
A bunch of nobodies go off the board.
| 3. | David Quinn (D) |  United States | Minnesota North Stars | Kent High School (Rhode Island) |
| 14. | Terry Carkner (D) |  Canada | New York Rangers | Peterborough Petes (OHL) |
| 15. | Trevor Stienburg (RW) | Canada | Quebec Nordiques | Guelph Platers (OHL) |
With the number-16 pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Goaltender, Patrick Roy from Granby Bisons (QMJHL)
People look around in stunned disbelief.
Who?
Bob Smizik starts to pen a column saying that besides drafting Lemiuex, this was a horrible draft.
Now we have tons of time to job around, so we go catch a little bit of an Expos game.
And they played June 9, 1984 at home,
So this is a valid part of the story.
After watching Andre Dawson go big fly, we go back to the draft.
We don't miss much.
Scott Mellanby...Stephane Richer...
and the immortal Tony Hrkac are off the board.
We think about trading up to draft Ray Sheppard.
But we stand pat.
With the 64th pick in the draft, the Pittsburgh Penguins select:
Center Tom Glavine from Billerica High School (Massachusetts).
Yes, that Tom Glavine.
Look it up. He was in the draft.
More time to kill.
We do a radio interview with KDKA.
We gurantee a Stanley Cup.
Next up, pick number 85:
We just job, so no one will ever question how we knew so many players would be good.
We draft:
Right wing: David Volek from HC Slavia Praha (Czechoslovakia)
We then have Volek murdered.
While authorities are addressing the Volek murder,
Brett Hull...Kirk McLean...Kjell Samuelsson go off the board.
Yeah, we could have drafted Hull.
But he is a douche.
With our seventh round pick, we steal:
Left Wing Luc Robitaille from Hull Olympiques (QMJHL)
We draft a few more stiffs.
After that, it is time to go.
We leap out of EJ and head back to 2007.
.................
We stop at a Rax for dinner.
We fire the DeLorean up, get it to 66 MPH, and head back to Pittsburgh.
3:30PM -- June 23, 2007
As we arrive back on I-279, something is strange.
It should be packed with cars.
But there is nothing.
No PennDOT construction.
While driving on the Parkway from our landing spot in Scott Township, we notice that gas is 47 cents a gallon.
We also notice that the Parkway has been given the honorary title of "Gary Roberts Expressway."
Three billboards on the Parkway say "Neil Is Watching You. NO."
We make our way through the Fort Pitt Tunnel.
Nothing like coming through the tunnel and seeing good old Pittsburgh.
But something feels different.
We park the DL in one of the parking garages on the Boulevard of the Allies.
Must be our lucky day because it says "Free Parking."
As we make our way to go deposit some cash money on Pens season tickets, we notice no one is outside smoking cigs, and the people we do see actually smile and look happy.
We walk up to Grant Street and turn the corner.
Stunned.
Where is Mellon arena? WTF.
We ask some dude.
Dude: "Mellon what?"
Us: "Oh, no! The Pens left."
Dude: "Are you high? You must be from out of town.
The Pens play on the North Shore."
We take a surprisingly free cab to the North Shore and cannot believe our eyes...
Chapter Two:
Early Friday, June 29, 2007.
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