Previously on JOBBERS...
Luke Ravenstahl, a taxi driver in Pittsburgh, bumps into Adam and Derek when they return to 2007.
The boys learned that a lot of things are different.
Ravenstahl had information that he felt Adam and Derek had to know about.
"The Secret Lies With Stan" is the message Ravenstahl relays to the boys.
......................................................The boys learned that a lot of things are different.
Ravenstahl had information that he felt Adam and Derek had to know about.
"The Secret Lies With Stan" is the message Ravenstahl relays to the boys.
Luke: They would've won at least six more Cups in that run if Mario would've stayed...
Us: Mario left? What?! What happened?!
Us: Mario left? What?! What happened?!
.....................................
........................
Luke: In 1998, Mario Lemieux went out drinking one night on the South Side.
He stopped into St. James on 18th street to get a few Blue Moons.
Someone took pictures of him and submitted them to Mondesi's House.
Adam: The site that delivers sports and entertainment with a sarcastic, Pittsburgh twist?
Luke: Yeah.
Mondesi's House posted pictures of him drunk.
Lemieux demanded a trade the next day.
Us: But that's a website that targets the 18- to 34-year-old male demographic.
It wouldn't try to gain publicity by spreading personal pictures around.
Luke: Welcome to the 21st century.
Us: Where'd Lemieux go?
Luke: Montreal. The start of it all. His hometown.
Us: Did they win any Cups with him at the helm?
Luke: Yeah, one.
Us: Why not more?
Luke: Two words -- Gary Roberts.
Roberts would've taken over the world if it wasn't for him.
Us: Who?
Luke: I told you. I can't say his name.
He played quarterback for the Steelers.
He went to college at Maryland.
Judging by how much you guys have jobbed history, you might not even know who I'm talking about.
Adam: Neil O'Donnell?
Adam's testicles fall to the ground.
Adam: Holy hell.
Luke: I told you.
Guys, we only have a few moments before the Police get here to retrieve those balls and ---
Adam: My balls are on the ground.
Luke: I know. I've seen it happen before.
Listen! I think you guys need to go back in time to stop something from happening.
Adam: Stop what from happening?
Derek: Yeah, I don't want Mario playing for anyone but the Pens.
Luke: No, not that!
How was the 2007 that you left?
Derek: Oh, it was glorious.
The Steelers had just won their fifth Super Bowl.
Roethlisberger took the NFL by storm. He went 15-1 his rookie year.
The Pens were on the cusp of achieving dynasty status.
The Pirates were mud, but it was still enjoyable to go and experience a baseball game.
Luke: Fifth Super Bowl?
The Steelers won their eighth Super Bowl in 1998.
Adam: Eighth? Holy hell. How did that happen?
Luke: I don't know where to begin...
Wait a minute. Something doesn't make sense.
Adam: What?
Luke: Roethlisberger.
You're right. He went 15-1 in his rookie year.
Derek: Then he threw that pick to Harrison in the AFC Championship Game.
Luke: This is unbelievable.
That is exactly what happened in our 2004.
Adam: How can that be?
Luke: This is crazy.
Your 2007 sounds pretty good, especially because I'm the mayor.
But something went awry, and I bet it can all be traced back to him.
Derek: Neil O'Donnell?
Derek's testicles hit with ground.
Derek: Crap.
Luke: No, not that!
How was the 2007 that you left?
Derek: Oh, it was glorious.
The Steelers had just won their fifth Super Bowl.
Roethlisberger took the NFL by storm. He went 15-1 his rookie year.
The Pens were on the cusp of achieving dynasty status.
The Pirates were mud, but it was still enjoyable to go and experience a baseball game.
Luke: Fifth Super Bowl?
The Steelers won their eighth Super Bowl in 1998.
Adam: Eighth? Holy hell. How did that happen?
Luke: I don't know where to begin...
Wait a minute. Something doesn't make sense.
Adam: What?
Luke: Roethlisberger.
You're right. He went 15-1 in his rookie year.
Derek: Then he threw that pick to Harrison in the AFC Championship Game.
Luke: This is unbelievable.
That is exactly what happened in our 2004.
Adam: How can that be?
Luke: This is crazy.
Your 2007 sounds pretty good, especially because I'm the mayor.
But something went awry, and I bet it can all be traced back to him.
Derek: Neil O'Donnell?
Derek's testicles hit with ground.
Derek: Crap.
[ Footsteps in hallway ]
Luke: Guys, get out of here!
Take my laptop. I bookmarked some important stuff for you.
Adam: Damn, Luke, you should definitely get a Mac. Do you guys have iPhone yet?
Luke: A what?
Adam: You know, Macs and the iPhone.
Luke: Sorry, man. No clue what you are talking about.
Adam: [Vomits]
Derek: Let's go man!
Adam and Derek jump out of the window and land on the roof of Eat'n'Park.
They slip into the restaurant and collect themselves in a back booth.
Adam: Wow.
Derek: Do you believe what the Mayor told us?
Adam: Yeah, man. He has no incentive to lie.
He just risked his life apparently to tell us that crap.
Derek: "A Secret Lies With Stan."
Adam: No clue what that means.
Derek: Well, obviously, it has something to do with "Stan."
It's gotta be the Stanley Cup.
He said the Pens won like 80 in a row.
Wait. Why do you think we'd have to go back and stop N.O.?
Adam: I think we can say his name now. We don't have any more balls.
Derek: Stopping O'Donnell doesn't make any sense.
But that would be simple.
We just go back to before he was born and punch his mom in the face.
Adam: That is dumb. Too many things could change.
Derek: Well let's see what the hell's going on.
Waitress: Would you fellas like some food?
Us: Salad bar.
Waitress: Help yourselves.
Adam: Was that Sonny Abatta?
Derek:: Yeah. Looks like people in this 2007 are better judges of talent.
Derek and Adam dominate the salad bar and get back to business.
Derek: [ Opens laptop ]
Okay. What do we do?
Adam: Google search that message he gave us.
Derek: Google exists. Nice.
No results.
I'm gonna check those bookmarks he mentioned.
Adam: Wait. Go to ThePensblog.com.
Derek and Adam watch in awe as the URL leads them to a gay activist site.
Derek: Well, at least that's still the same.
Adam: What are the bookmarks?
Derek: Here.
Adam: That is mud. He only gave us Neil O'Donnell's Wikipedia page and Mondesi's House.
Derek: Mondesi's House delivers sports and entertainment with a sarcastic, Pittsburgh twist.
Derek and Adam leave Eat'n'Park and take a cab back to the Boulevard.
They walk up to where they left the DeLorean.
A tall, dark figure awaits them.
Man: Boys, I am here to assist you on your journey.
I have a message for you.
"A Secret Lies With Stan."
Adam: Oh, God. Here we go again with that crap.
Just tell us what that means.
Man: Listen, we don't have much time. I know what you did.
Now you must go back in time so you will be safe from him.
Us: Neil O'Donnell?
Man: [ Stands in silence ]
Where are your balls?
Us: Ask your mom.
[ High five takes place ]
Man: Nice.
Us: Who are you?
Man: It is me -- Franco Harris.
Listen!
N.O. wants the DeLorean so he can go back in time and DDT Terry Bradshaw.
Us: What? Why?
Franco: He wants to solidify himself as the best quarterback in Steeler history.
Us: The best? Don't you remember Super Bowl XXX?
Franco: You boys really are from another time.
I don't want my legacy jobbed in any way.
You must stop Neil. Find where everything changed.
Stop him from attaining greatness.
Derek: [ Walks over to the edge of the parking garage and looks down upon Pittsburgh. ]
What if we screw up even worse?
What if this laptop in my hands doesn't provide us enough clues?
Franco: You were given the message.
That's all you need to know.
Suddenly, tires squeal in the parking garage.
Rhythmic marching and chants of "Neil" grow louder and faster.
Luke: Guys, get out of here!
Take my laptop. I bookmarked some important stuff for you.
Adam: Damn, Luke, you should definitely get a Mac. Do you guys have iPhone yet?
Luke: A what?
Adam: You know, Macs and the iPhone.
Luke: Sorry, man. No clue what you are talking about.
Adam: [Vomits]
Derek: Let's go man!
Adam and Derek jump out of the window and land on the roof of Eat'n'Park.
They slip into the restaurant and collect themselves in a back booth.
Adam: Wow.
Derek: Do you believe what the Mayor told us?
Adam: Yeah, man. He has no incentive to lie.
He just risked his life apparently to tell us that crap.
Derek: "A Secret Lies With Stan."
Adam: No clue what that means.
Derek: Well, obviously, it has something to do with "Stan."
It's gotta be the Stanley Cup.
He said the Pens won like 80 in a row.
Wait. Why do you think we'd have to go back and stop N.O.?
Adam: I think we can say his name now. We don't have any more balls.
Derek: Stopping O'Donnell doesn't make any sense.
But that would be simple.
We just go back to before he was born and punch his mom in the face.
Adam: That is dumb. Too many things could change.
Derek: Well let's see what the hell's going on.
Waitress: Would you fellas like some food?
Us: Salad bar.
Waitress: Help yourselves.
Adam: Was that Sonny Abatta?
Derek:: Yeah. Looks like people in this 2007 are better judges of talent.
Derek and Adam dominate the salad bar and get back to business.
Derek: [ Opens laptop ]
Okay. What do we do?
Adam: Google search that message he gave us.
Derek: Google exists. Nice.
No results.
I'm gonna check those bookmarks he mentioned.
Adam: Wait. Go to ThePensblog.com.
Derek and Adam watch in awe as the URL leads them to a gay activist site.
Derek: Well, at least that's still the same.
Adam: What are the bookmarks?
Derek: Here.
Adam: That is mud. He only gave us Neil O'Donnell's Wikipedia page and Mondesi's House.
Derek: Mondesi's House delivers sports and entertainment with a sarcastic, Pittsburgh twist.
Derek and Adam leave Eat'n'Park and take a cab back to the Boulevard.
They walk up to where they left the DeLorean.
A tall, dark figure awaits them.
Man: Boys, I am here to assist you on your journey.
I have a message for you.
"A Secret Lies With Stan."
Adam: Oh, God. Here we go again with that crap.
Just tell us what that means.
Man: Listen, we don't have much time. I know what you did.
Now you must go back in time so you will be safe from him.
Us: Neil O'Donnell?
Man: [ Stands in silence ]
Where are your balls?
Us: Ask your mom.
[ High five takes place ]
Man: Nice.
Us: Who are you?
Man: It is me -- Franco Harris.
Listen!
N.O. wants the DeLorean so he can go back in time and DDT Terry Bradshaw.
Us: What? Why?
Franco: He wants to solidify himself as the best quarterback in Steeler history.
Us: The best? Don't you remember Super Bowl XXX?
Franco: You boys really are from another time.
I don't want my legacy jobbed in any way.
You must stop Neil. Find where everything changed.
Stop him from attaining greatness.
Derek: [ Walks over to the edge of the parking garage and looks down upon Pittsburgh. ]
What if we screw up even worse?
What if this laptop in my hands doesn't provide us enough clues?
Franco: You were given the message.
That's all you need to know.
Suddenly, tires squeal in the parking garage.
Rhythmic marching and chants of "Neil" grow louder and faster.
Franco: [ Wipes the feces off his face ]
Hang on to that!
Derek: Don't worry. I'm not Jerome Bettis.
Adam and Derek strap in.
Derek: Wait. Where the hell are we going?
Adam: We got to see when the Pens win that first Cup.
The Secret Lies With Stan.
Derek: Kick the tires and light the fires.
They direct themselves toward Oakland on the Boulevard.
They set the DeLorean to June 1985 as they slam on the gas.
66 MPH.
Chapter Four:
July 12.
Midnight.
Hang on to that!
Derek: Don't worry. I'm not Jerome Bettis.
Adam and Derek strap in.
Derek: Wait. Where the hell are we going?
Adam: We got to see when the Pens win that first Cup.
The Secret Lies With Stan.
Derek: Kick the tires and light the fires.
They direct themselves toward Oakland on the Boulevard.
They set the DeLorean to June 1985 as they slam on the gas.
66 MPH.
Chapter Four:
July 12.
Midnight.
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